Bra1n-w@shed

See, when I get the
strength to leave

You always tell me that
you need me

I have made my decision in this
chapter. Had enough of this drama I’ve been avoiding but always come back
haunting every time. I thought I’m in love but no, this is not real love. Love
would never hurt each other in a way both of us can’t understand. It only tells
us what’s right and acceptance of together to walk in the light.

And I’m weak cause I
believe you

And I’m mad because I
love you

Sometimes we are blinded of how
sweet the feeling is, but memories will always there even though the colors
fade away. We’re just merely human, nothing wrong with trying to be someone we
always wanted to be. Sound of changes always calling until the time has come
for us to see.

So I stop and think
that maybe

You can learn to
appreciate me

Love always comes back for me no matter how hard time I’ve been
passing. All I can learn from it are the feelings I’m enriching into my
soulless mind. Words by words you softly speak will always there, no one can
erase it. But in time those words are just words and never turn into sacrifices
and I’m tired fighting this war alone. Too much blood is shed; too many wounds
I’m revealing, until the feelings are slowly gone.

Then it all remains the
same that

You ain’t never gonna
change

Just let me go and leave me die
in peace. I’m trying to live the life I’ve lost long ago when I’m busy trying
hanging to you. Maybe I’m not the one you looking for, to many chances we tried
and this situation makes us both weary. The future will always have something
for you and it’s time for me to be out of the picture. I will always love you,
it will never change; I hope you can take this lesson and be much more mature.

Kadang harap tak perlu dicari.

Ia datang seperti fajar yang
perlahan bersinar.

Sorry it’s in bahasa Indonesia, I
made that up; you should ask to your Indonesian friends for translation. But why
did I start my writing with that nonsense? I was thinking about all the things that
have been going on lately in my life, in my small heart.

Too small for all the big
feelings I have experience, the sad, the joy, the laugh and the sorrow. It
makes me wonder how I could handle all the heart breaks all these times. Such an
enormous journey towards happiness isn’t it? A small gland in our brain that
controls all the major muscles in our mortal physic, that taught us how fast
the heart should beat, how many the blood flows or how wildly our breathing in
every single seconds.

I’m not here to teach you guys
about love. You already know it since baby, how you felt your parent’s love,
well, not me, I never know my parents. But the point is I’m just a bit
bedazzled by how love makes the complexity in every major moment of our life. I
told my bf in our conversation by phone last night, that I love him so dearly. We
never know why because it’s unexplainable but what we do know, it’s not simple.

Yes we could say that 4 most
famous letter in the world so easily, but we never know it comes with
responsibility, great courage to walk in, clear mind to solve each steps,
loyalty to what we started and most of all resistance to its pain that included
in the package. Its trash if you say love is lollipop lane all the way, we
cannot turn our face to only one side of the road. There’s pavements we must
watch out for perils, loving is like a war and we are the soldiers.

I’m a person of well-prepared for
everything in my life; well a perfectionist can’t leave anything behind right? So
I asked again to my bf, are we will be this way forever or at least 5 years
from now? He said stop talking gibberish again and ask me why did I asked him
that. I said is it wrong for a person to know their future? And he didn’t answer
and told me to go to bed. It makes my mind more confused on the steps ahead of
my relationship. I need security and a hand that willing to hold me for the strong
winds ahead in my journey.

Well, I guess a man can’t have it all. Even answers.

Love is also blind if you’re wondering why.