Bra1n-w@shed

It’s almost 2am and the world is
fast asleep. I’m sitting quiet under the pale moonlight, sharing its sadness
throughout the warm-weathered-city. Thinking alone, pondering my mind wide to
the open sea of city lights: why am I not happy in this end year of 2007? Am I
missing something? Is there anything could make me opposite of what I’m feeling
right now? Dear God help me.

Many things I have achieved
during these past times, many things I overlooked and missed, but all I can say
mission is accomplished with satisfying process. Yes, what matter most (well,
at least to me) is process, a progress we all must go through in every state of
life. A baby must learn to walk and talk; a teen must seek their identity in
community, an adult must seek their time of settled in life, a senior must find
their warm bed to die on and a soul must find their light to walk into.

But for me, what have I learned
from the past years of my living hood? I learn how human emotion are the most
complex thing in my life, how I must be capable to organize them and illustrate
them on the right time and place. How logic is the mainly object to our sanity
walking this ridiculous life journey, things we thought are making no sense at
all is the most logic thing in life. With help of some unsung heroes in our
lives, we try to move on to the next stage of life-book. A sprinkle of courage
and a tea-spoon of faith led our little foot crossing the bridge of doubt.

There I go again, mumbling
garbage to your thoughts and trying to brainwashed your unwritten unthinkable.
At least I’m being honest to myself and to the society that’s being more and
more hypocrite these days. “Make me
recall my days in New Jerusalem” that’s what Lauryn Hill sang to the world
that is full of fake dreams. My brothers and sisters, I really know for sure
that each of our tiny little heart has our own Jerusalem to reach; that special
little place where we could be happy each seconds of our life, either with our
loved ones, wealth, and freedom of will where nothing is the limit.

For a phoenix to be born, it must
die first (that’s what Professor Dumbledor told me). Well, it’s close enough
for me to accept as true, coz yea, when I think about it its kinda reflecting
to my own journey. I was dark, cold and closed to the world outside. My room is
the only abyss to my witty sorrow and my heart had become an endless fountain
of my disappointment to the humanity. Until one day I let eyes see the bright
light of hope from the small crack of my soul, it’s too bright at first until
it can adjust to the softness beam, like the sunset in the sea horizon.

The process might be long and
unpleasant but when we all can accept who we are in the journey, life is an
excellent teacher. The year has giving us so much, what matter most how we can
repay it? For me living my life to the fullest is the most self satisfying
contribution, at least to me. Friends, family and love are just what make it
more interesting. So, go on and get to know yourself much better next year, as a
start for a New Year resolution.

My life is literally a box now. A
beautiful box made of scrap paper and stitches all over, inside there are a
fragile heart struggling to reach out for precious air. My useless days of unemployment
is filled with fake pleasures, luckily sweet Lord still granted me a working
mind creating writings;  that is my lost
paradise running from reality. With my psychotic-trusted boyfriend, I tried to understand
the very essence of life, relationship, love, friends even faith I had once.

The valley of shadows is now my
path, with a glimpse of light I attempt to see the couple of feet of my
journey. There is nothing but hollow space beside me and wide open space up
above my head. Searching of that wonderful rain of hope to wet my lungs and
soul from the harsh biting reality. Is it reality that scary? Wasn’t I once
said reality has its own middle finger? What happen to bravery? What happen to
wit? I just stand here stoned waiting myself to drown among the entire question
filling my little head.

I raise my head; my eyes were
strong staring at the monster of modern days. I cannot lie my heart are little frightened
with the jaw of loneliness, imagining myself chewed into bits with left out
missing pieces here and there. But there was a wise man saying not to be a
coward with being lonely, it’s not the finish line; because in the end the only
one that we can rely on is ourselves. I know that of course, but why I cannot
believe it? I’m just a fraud David in front of mighty Goliath, beat up by the
Delilah of my Samsonism.

Now I stand and sit on the top
floor from where I lived, I can see the little kids are playing on the deserted
field. I can see their smiling faces, I can hear they laugh freely, I can sense
their ‘childhoodness’ from up here. I wish I had a Dementor’s power that can
suck out their happiness and keep it for myself. I’ve got my heart in my hands now;
I’ve been searching for my wings sometime. No, I cannot runaway again, how far
can my breath take me? It won’t be long am sure.

I must be able to control my
emotions from overpowering me. They were all illusion and a temporary feeling
like a snow in a hot dessert. Keep telling myself that I am a well developed
human being that is in process of learning. I must take my lesson and finish
them, not leaving the classroom like a preschool kid before it ends. I can face
my monster with the help of people that kept on remind me of lesson I once
forget in time. Relationship, love, friends and faith will be my acquaintances
in the future, as long my logic playing part without delusion of instant better
days.

My crippled
heart is now ready to fight again.