I know now, or at least I think I
know what have been torturing my restless soul during this empty period of
time. After I’m out of the job, I’ve been nothing but miserable, wrathful,
negatively-energetic, confuse and tortured by my own self. I cannot find the
“better” I used to see in the mirror, the person behind all the creativity and
crazy ideas. All I ever met is Rainer and his vengeful promises to this world
and all the inhabitants.
Last night was really a volcanic
moment to my ever relationship. It was dramatic, it was mad-chaotic I should
say, but nevertheless it was the most power-consumption activity I ever had in
the last few months. We have entered
almost to a year of our life journey together; the bond is going more than
strong. The love that we had has now become the beast within, it is so
influential to both of two different characters it turned us to be possessive
and created an insane way of loving.
The pain not only corrupted our
mind and physic, slowly it creeps into a logic way of thinking we use to have;
and create another world where others fear to enter. As I was saying, it is
full of drama, a word I promised to leave some years back. Yet now I’m into the
mess I’m in at the first place, but only with a different environment. I love
him like the sea water to the gravity of the earth, and I could felt his loving
too. Day by day, as time rolling with our voyage we found that both of us
needed each other like Cerberus to its master.
I believe that this relationship
is not difference than some others experience, but why is it become so hard for
both of us, especially to me? Like a big ball of confusion, it kept rolling
down the hill of sanity and going bigger and bigger. Yes, we discussed it over
time, but we never get a solution to settle both of us down. We have many
differences as two different individuals, but the main objective two people in
love is to work it out together in harmony. Love isn’t created to be thinking
of, it is there to be felt.
I am so fucking tired to fight
two people, Rainer and him. Every time he makes me insecure, Rainer takes the
wheel. It goes every single time and I had enough of it. I talked with an
amazing personality from Malang, his name is Danny. We never met before; we
only know each other from Friendster and start to get to know more with IM
since ages ago. He taught me so much the things I forgotten since I lost
myself. He energized me back to this bunny rabbit with drums on its paw. I
believe that teachers aren’t teaching us new things, but it helps us to
remember things we always knew. It feels good to have the same frequency after
sometime we are in a blank spot.
He has this behavior of rubber
time that I cannot accept. Also he likes to run his day in an unscheduled
timing and happy go lucky person, to me. When he said he’s going to some place
and I asked him what time will he be back, his answer would be “I dunno” or
“maybe 11” then I wait at 11 he will showed up at 12 or 1. It kept on going and
driving me insane. I asked him to changed that he said it’s in his blood and
there’s no possible way he want to changed that particular behavior. It just
makes me madder.
I realize that sometimes I’m way
to perfect for a human, I schedule things so flawlessly is as if ‘m in the
army. I like things to be done perfectly, or at least it pleases to whom I’m
doing it for. But my boyfriend can’t live with that, he often called himself “a
loser” and not match for me. It makes me totally unappreciated! After what I
scarified for the sake of our relationship, he says it in a way of taking it
for granted! It makes me want to hurt myself again, I’m less perfect for myself
and it just makes me sick so I must cleansed the dirt away. Then it comes for
me to think, is this what I want? Is this the way I pictured my relationship
and spend it for the rest of my life?
Well, after we have our little
talk we agree to change, or at least to lower our
“individual-standard-behavior”. What makes it even funnier is I cannot remember
of the things I hate in him, while he has the elephant memory. All I can think
of is his way that makes me back smiling in my angry moment, or his eyes when I
looked at him the first time. Maybe that what keeps the love ongoing between
us. It sound crazy and irrational, but for a place called home needs more
scarification than they think.
It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Lauryn Hill – Ex-Faxtor
Recent Comments