Bra1n-w@shed

Perfectionist-Obsessive-Compulsive

I have a thought that’s been circling my head like sharks in the warm Australian currents.

I can't have everything that I wanted. I mean, some things are just beyond my reach and I must accept it. I'm not the type of person who gives up when I can't have it and leave it to fate. Deep down inside, my compulsiveness is disappointed by my losing of fulfillment of what I want. So, to cover my disappointment, I MUST BE that thing that I can't have. I must become that thing that is beyond reach for someone’s. Is that rational?

I understand and fully aware that my behavior of obsessive-compulsive is getting me worried in the last couple of years. It’s getting me freaky and I’m just afraid if I’m going to be the next Hitler. Disasters always start from one puny wishes and one big temptation to fulfill it. What if I’m like Napoleon with a desire so immense that he want to make one great big United States of Europe.

I talked with  Yuni, Danny & Yunus. This is their answer:

 

Yuni: “For me,it's not.Because it means,you'll be forcing yourself beyond your powers. You don't always get what you want in life,dear.But,you can always make the best out of what you already got.Who knows,it might even be better compared to the one you want but can't have..”

 

Danny: “nah, klo gag berhasil menjadi (EN: so, if we can’t succeed becoming) the thing that u cant have... what would u do??? [...the secret recipe of d Legendary NoodleSoup is n o t h i n g... Kungfu Panda]

 

Yunus: “Every human is trying at their best, if they can’t succeed and have what they wanted, try for option B.” (Well, we talked on the phone for hours and this is the bottom line of what he was saying).

 

But for me, I still try to understand why. Why am I so perfectionist obsessive-compulsive freak? Why people just accept fate? Why humans are given all the powers in the universe but still limited to things? Humans are blessed with the power of light, heat, magnetism, gravity, and all the energies of the universe, but why are they limiting themselves?

 

I’m not speaking about law and social morals, but more into the willingness deep inside that small nerves and neurons inside each and every biological body of ours of wanting something. Like me, I want something, I must get it in every way, no option B. The eager, the spirit is so great within me. What makes the difference is time of fulfillment. I’m very patience and diligent in doing the thing to get to the thing that I wanted.

 

It’s not a question of do I need that thing that want or what would I do when I get that thing, it’s more into process when I’m dealing with myself. Process is far more important that the result. Process brings you into the level of achievement of development of a mutual individual. When I want it, nothing can replace it or come in between, probably X-factor come along the journey but that just add more into until I get what I want. And that is that.

Daddy, Where Art Thou?

Dear Dad,

I missed you so much. Between the lines of “I hate you for abandoning me” and “You jerk, leaving your family like this” yes, I do miss you so much. Just want to say Happy Father’s Day in a common ways, where son meet up with their father after so many years apart. Exchanging stories about how regular life has become, sport teams that does sucks last year or just hanging with their son and daughters between TV episodes on the couch while their mother prepare some beers and homemade cookies.

 

Has this life become a dream so vast I couldn’t have it in my small hands? Or is it me left behind from the train that supposed to take me..well…I dunno, somewhere real? I never knew my parents, how they look like, what their jobs are, what is their favorite food and fragrance, or even know their names. I’m one of those apples that accidentally fall down the hill far from its tree.

 

Not making this dramatic, but I just couldn’t lie to myself how I missed my parents love and touch. Imagining them by my side every Christmas is shit, I’m telling you. Were those real? I don’t know anymore what is real. What’s real for me is I gotta work my ass off to support myself day to day in this city. I have my own dreams to fulfill, I have my own train to catch and for sure that ain’t easy but I know I can do it.

 

Its Father’s Day as I take a peek on my desk calendar. I smiled a little, feeling empty and awkward for celebrating something without anyone to celebrate for. Imagining whether my dad is a rich folk with two separate tennis court and a gold fish pond but filled with imitation fish made of gold. Or is he a professor from a reputable University in London carrying whip lash on his waist. Or maybe he’s a regular father with one of those Toyota car from early 2000 with a cat and two wives, one of them is pregnant of their 8^th daughter. Things could happen after 24 years and I never hope for anything, coz most of the time hope brings you down.

 

My point is, I just want to see my dad, slap him hard and then hug him like there’s no tomorrow. Tell him all my stories, share him my problems and seek for advice. But all I can do is dreaming and until that day comes, I gotta wake up and pay attention if I wanna go somewhere and be somebody. I wanna make him proud when he sees his son has become someone, probably better than him. Well dad, Happy Father’s Day!

To Forgive Is Divine

I just want to say a big warm THANK YOU to you, Z.

 

Thank you for using me all these times. Remind me how foolish I am for sacrificing all of me to someone that doesn’t pay respect at all.

 

Thank you for being there when I can support both of us and live a happy life, but vanished and gone when in my times of need and defenseless.

 

Thank you for hitting me physically during times we lived together. The pain is gone but the memory how coward you are always there in the hands of time.

 

Thank you for all the yelling and offensive words you used at me from your mobile phone. I hope you didn’t use the same mouth as you are using to talk to your mother.

 

Thank you for running away with responsibilities you supposed to repay and face it like a man. Even boy in a dress still have their dignity, but not you.

 

Thank you for all the drama you well played and all the lies you serve with sweet-nice topping.

 

Thank you for rejecting the love I was offering for you and no one else. A blind man never can see the shine in the sands full of diamonds.

 

Thank you for opening old wounds and making a lot of new ones.

I don’t need to forget you, but to erase you completely.

 

I forgive you, but karma does exist.

Sonata of the Tortured

The wind in high places swept my face with its fingers like hypnotizing, slowly peeling my sadness away. I think of nothing yet my heart cries for the quietness, the wind again carries me away to the world beyond the night sky, just like tonight.

 

Leaving me question I cannot even answer though the puzzle still remain of so many years’ education and pointless study. No institution ever taught me how to love, no teacher ever teaches me how to erase the pain away and not even one book of scholars ever mention that love will always come back no matter how painful it was.

 

Time has point it fingers on me, how many seconds I have wasted my youth for things that melted in the day and frozen in the dawn. My dreams chasing me like a wild beast; its claws ready to slit my mouth to speak against my own future, my tormented feet running from its preying eyes. No one could help me but my shadows that are now restless rescuing me every time I’m in need.

 

I stood here again with my heart on my hands saying “protect me, or they will carry me away to the land of false hopes.” The cold ground had nailed me from going nowhere as I must pay my dues to what I had done. And what’s killing me is the silence from the inside where so many talking so loud outside. Oh dear Lord, spare me my fragile soul for me to keep from the hands of the eternal damnation.

 

Romance in the cold breeze singing me the songs of one true journey to eternity. To see is to feel what’s real; to be is to believe what the future offers us to see. But never take more than what you give or the one will put lies in your soul just like an unknown thief. Love is the rhythm for you to walk upon the cloud of freedom, so strong you never want again to give them. The ray of sunshine felt like an arrow to my vision as I never walk in light, only guided by one true ally to be my sight.

 

Now I learn the lesson of being delicate to reach one true individual, strong enough to fight the storm of the world full of lies, ignorance, unfairness, deception and most of all betrayal. I must live long enough to see my work had been done in a world of beauty in my own reflectance. Sing loud enough for the universe to hear me calling, that I’m here and always will be.

Gabriel of Solace

Bring back the black sun that once shining upon my darkest path. It’s not as beautiful as other might thought but it’s enough for me. Serenity, a comfort zone for my witty soul seeks for grace. Being somebody else is not my ticket out of here, many perils stands in my way towards my New Jerusalem. Day by day I have entered myself a battle between ego, love and persuasion of believing the impossible.

 

Faces past me by, love enter and goes leaving trails of fragileness inside me and slowly it’s bewildering my temptation of what I truly want. Scars I’ve received for my sins and betrayal to the devil itself, no, I never regret. He whispered so peacefully I thought my heart has leading me to the valley of shadows. The light begun to dim, the stars comes out with all its glory and magnitude of dreams so big I feel nobody is me.

 

Tired from the pain I’ve journey through in this city of light, the gate of twin perception and bricks of paradox living inside every creatures; big and small. What do I feel now? Who am I belonging to now? All the questions are a riddle for my fingers to see, my heart hears what my eyes feels. What I give is exactly what I get and never mean to get you upset but this all has been said.

 

 

Crippling through my doors until I found the essence of the one I desires but never really needs it. Drop down to my knees and pray to one holy power and will I find that grace again? I believe I will get out from this devastation of my creation, true and bring back my blue. I will swim in your heart again, untangles my clarity to be unite again in the sea of divinity. Where I will sleep forever and awaken in your loving river of everlasting hopes of a true sinner.

 

Shattered Once Again

Love, love is a verb

Love is a doing word

 

 

 

I always think it should be my time to move on and open my heart again. After so many wound and painful experience I know I cannot quit here and now. So I give myself a chance to see maybe fate will lead me to the right door this time. Unee, you know who I’m talking about, gurl…

 

 

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

 

 

He’s nice, gentle, very sweet but sometimes annoying. He really cares for me throughout my days, calls, text messages are pouring like water on my sunny day. He act jealous even though we’re not having any string attached, but from there I could see his seriousness.

 

 

 

In the night of matter

Black flowers blossom

 

 

But then, things just getting awkward. Just about the time I trust him and trust my instinct, he suddenly backing off. Pulling away and suddenly shutting down his system like we meant nothing. Another heart is broken, another memory is open. He’s gone and I’m sitting there alone.

 

 

 

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire of a confession

 

 

 

 PS. I still love Batik. Somehow.

 

Lyrics by Massive Attack – Teardrop

(album: Collected, 2006)

How To Handle Babies (for dummies)

These pictures below will show you how the correct and appropriate ways to handle infants (yes, those unstoppable pooping machine).

Some parents just need a proper education how to take care their own breeding (and it works for baby sitter too or pet owners). Let the pictures speaks for itself:

(!!) Boys Only

(Disclaimer:  The section of this blog you are about to read contains content that may include  explicit offensive language or sexual innuendo. You don't like it? Get the hell off. *see, i told u*)

I was talking with my dudes today. How lucky we are being the male of the species.
I mean without no disrespect for you all beautiful girls and ladies out there, we, men the most egoistic creatures that was created first out of the powerful hands of the Lord, are truly blessed.

Look at us, with only one responsibility towards our dignity in the eyes of the society we  are not burden by any other stuff that girls has: stress and pain on period days EVERY MONTH, pain in giving birth, emotionally fragile, pointless wasted time in shopping for a single item worth of hours and hours circling the shopping mall.

Even this, we could name our penis with so many different names:
•    blue-veined junket pumper 
•    boner
•    cock
•    dick
•    ding dong
•    dipstick
•    dong
•    dork
•    doughnut holder
•    firm worm
•    free willy
•    goober
•    hairy bagpipes
•    hang down
•    hard on
•    John Thomas
•    joy stick
•    knob
•    love muscle
•    love stick
•    love truncheon
•    male organ
•    meat
•    meat whistle
•    member
•    organic dildo
•    ol' one-eye
•    one-eyed trouser snake
•    pecker
•    pee-pee
•    pee stick
•    percy
•    peter
•    piece of pork
•    pink oboe
•    pole
•    pork sword
•    prick
•    purple-headed trouser snake
•    pussy plunger
•    rod
•    root
•    salty dog
•    schlong
•    skin flute
•    spunk stick
•    stiffy
•    throbber
•    throbbing python of love
•    tool
•    trouser trout
•    wanker
•    wee-wee
•    weiner
•    weinie
•    wife's best friend
•    willy
•    woody

And speaking about penis, when we masturbate we could name that fun time whatever we want:
    * a quiet date
   * audition the finger puppets
   * bang the wang
    * bash the candle
   * be a virtuoso of the skin flute
    * beat off
    * beat the bishop
    * beat the dummy
    * beat the meat
    * beat the stick
    * beat up your date
    * beef-stroke-it-off
    * bending ya bonder
    * bleed the weed
    * blow your load
    * bludgeon the beefsteak
    * bop the baloney
   * box the jesuit and get cockroaches
    * boxin' the bald champ
    * buff the banana
    * buff the torpedo
    * burp the baby
    * burp the worm
    * busting a nut
    * butter the corn
    * choke Kojak
    * choke the chicken
    * choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
    * clamp the pipe
    * clean your rifle
    * climb Mount Baldy
    * closet Frisbee
    * come into your own
    * consulting Dr Hans Jerkov
    * cook the cream of cock
    * corral the tadpoles
    * couch hockey for one
    * crack one off
  * crank the shank
   * crimp the wire
    * crown the king
   * cuff the carrot
   * dancing solo
   * diddle
    * do a hand job
    * do battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
    * do handiwork
    * do the janitor thing
    * drain the monster
   * engage in safe sex
    * fist fuck
    * fist your mister
    * five knuckle shuffle
    * flog the dog
    * flog the dong
   * flog the hog
    * flog the log
    * flog your mule
    * fondle the fig
    * Free Willy
    * friggit
   * gallup the antelope
   * genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
    * get a date with Slick Mittens
 * get a grip on yourself
    * get the German soldier marching
    * get to know yourself
    * give it a tug
    * go a couple of rounds with ol' josh
    * go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
    * grease the pipe
   * hack the hog
    * hack off
    * hand work-out
   * have a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
    * have a date with Fisty Palmer
   * have a date with palm of your handerson (Pamela Anderson)
    * have a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
    * have it off
   * have sex with someone you love
   * hitchhike to heaven
    * hitchhike under the big top
    * hold the sausage hostage
    * hug the hog
    * hump your hose
    * jack hammer
   * jack off
    * jazz yourself
    * jerk off
    * jerkin' the Gherkin
    * jerking the joint
    * juggling the coullions
    * killing kittens (as in "everytime you wank, God kills a kitten")
    * meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
    * knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
    * lope the mule
    * make instant pudding
    * make the bald man puke
    * making love to the shower
    * mangle the midget
    * manipulate the mango
    * manual override
    * master bacon
    * meet Rosie Hancock
    * milk the cow
    * milk the lizard
    * mount a corporal and four
    * nerk your throbber
    * null the void
    * oil the glove
    * onan's olympics
    * pack your palm
    * paddle the pickle
    * paint the ceiling
    * paint the pickle
    * peel the banana
    * peel some chilies
    * perform diagnostics on your ManTool
    * phallic farming
    * play a little five-on-one
    * play in a one-man show
    * play five against one
    * play pocket pinball
    * play pocket pool
    * play tug-of-war with the cyclops
    * play Uno
    * please your pisser
    * plunk your twanger
    * polish Percy in your palm
    * polish the family jewels
    * polish the rocket
    * polish the sword
    * pound off
    * pound the bald-headed moose
    * pound the pud
    * pound your flounder
    * pull off
    * pull rank
    * pull the carrot
    * pull the cord
    * pull the five-knuckle shuffle
    * pull the goalie
    * pull the pole
    * pull the pope
    * pull the tool
    * pull your pud
    * pull your prick
    * pull your taffy
    * pump the python
    * punchin' the munchkin
    * ram the ham
    * ride the great white knuckler
    * roll your own
    * rope the pony
   * rope the pope
    * rub off
    * rub one out
    * run off a batch by hand
    * sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
    * scour the tower of power
    * self abuse
    * self-induced penile regurgitation
    * shag
    * shake hands with the unemployed
    * shake hands with your John Thomas
    * shake hands with your wife's best friend
   * shemp the hog
    * shift gears
   * shine the helmet
    * shine your pole
   * shoot putty at the moon
    * shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
    * shoot the moon
    * slakin' the bacon
    * slam the ham
    * slam the spam
    * slammin' the salmon
    * slap high fives with Yul Brynner
   * slap the carrot
    * slap the clown
    * slap the donkey
    * slap the pud
    * slap the salami
   * slappin' pappy
    * sling the jelly
    * snap the monkey
    * snap the rubber
    * snap the snake
    * snap the whip
    * solo sex
    * spank the frank
    * spank the monkey
    * spank the salami
    * spilling the seed
    * squeeze the cheese
    * squeeze the juice
    * squeeze the squirrel
   * stickin' it slick
    * stinky pinky
    * stir the yogurt
    * stoke it
    * strangle the Pope
    * stroke it
    * stroke off
    * stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
    * stroke the dog
    * stroke the satin-headed serpent
    * stroke your poker
    * stroking Willie the one-eyed wonder-worm
    * take matters into your own hands
    * take the monster for a one-armed ride
    * take part in population control
    * tease the weenie
    * tenderize the tube steak
    * test the testicles
    * test your batteries
   * the art of Unisex
    * the lonliest date
    * tickly my fancy
    * tickle the pickle
    * toss off
    * toss the turkey
    * twang the wire
   * thump the pump
    * tweak your twinkie
    * varnish the flagpole
    * wack the one-eyed worm
    * wack the weasel
    * wack the willie
    * walk the dog
    * walk the plank
    * wank
   * wax the carrot
    * wax the dolphin
    * wax your surfboard
    * whack off
    * whip off
    * whip the dummy
    * whip the wire
   * whip the willie
   * whip up some sour cream
    * whip your dripper
    * whizzin' jism
    * wixen
    * wonk your conker
    * work off
    * wrestle the eel
    * wring out your rope
    * wrist aerobics
    * yank off
    * yank the crank
    * yank your plank
    * yank the yoyo

Aah, the satisfaction of being a male is just... priceless.

Source: http://justin.justnet.com.au/rudestuff/

Stitches To Our Mouth

Our mouth shut, our moves being watched, later on our beating heart will be counted and guarded. A prisoner of the so-called-freedom of a nation. I believe it is shit what they ask us to do what we don’t feel right to do it. Political fights between countries cannot be a chain to every citizen of a free country that is what I believe. Indonesia as my home country that fought for freedom for hundred of years, from the great Majapahit to Soekarno, they want us to have the right of speech and act in every breath we take a step in this rich nature and beautiful country.

 

I just cannot believe that those stupid-fake-Armani-suits banned the whole country to our rights for accessing YouTube just because Fitna video is still aired in that website! How can a religious country banned the right of getting information and directly screwed with faith of someone at the same time?? We are not a country run by religion man! We are intelligent people based on Pancasila and the sake of Bhinneka Tunggal Ika!

 

This is so ridiculous remembering that our well-behaved-government *yeah, I’m being sarcastic* have so much things to fix in their agenda. Hello, morons, instead you spend our tax money for whole-family-vacation to Europe you can give food to our poor brothers and sisters! Not involving you to issues that are so not worth to screw with, like someone’s faith! C’mon repair our roads, lower the prices of basic food needs, make traffic in Jakarta seemed reasonable and I could give you thousands more issues to be solved!

 

Fitna is said insulted the Moslem people, ok, fine. But let them do the fight for themselves, not just making an absurd enforcement that I heard spending some billions rupiah just to block the whole nation from one particular website. Man, don’t you have something more positive things to do? Once a moron is still a moron or is it?

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

Franklin D. Roosevelt – March 4, 1933

 

Sail, My Soul!

My life is more than I could ever ask for. Filled with dreams, hope and strong believe of a better tomorrow. But there are times I'm a prisoner of my own feelings and captivated by one single moment I cannot escape from. I'm just one man with nothing I never showed you or the world. A man with all his feelings in his hands, eyes looking for something much more and love up way above. The storm has hit this man and he’s going down.

 

I miss my mom and dad. Never known them for the whole life I’m living is a torturing mystery to somebody as brittle as me. Not trying to make it sound dramatic, but I miss the things I even never felt before. To have a dinner together, somebody to take my school report, someone to support me from the front row of my tennis competition, putting up Christmas ornaments even though it looks like a mess or at least having a family picture together.

 

I’m not talking about chasing the past like a mad man or looking back and weep. Sometimes where I came from is not important for me; I’d rather straighten my vision and focus of what in front of me. The past giving me nothing but a ground to stand on, so why can't we make that ground ourselves now? A good friend of mine, Danny he said “life is about options and what we choose.” So starts choose what’s right for you NOW, believe in it and make that life living for you.

 

I was kept alive among people who never taught me about life and how should I walk on it. No love education is given to that young cub long back then. No wise words or advice on how to deal with emotions as I grew older; just essentially kept alive and develop into a soulless mind. It’s kinda sad really when I think about it on how unsupportive this “family” is.

 

They won’t let me nurture my talent within, I love art and none of them are on my back when I was entering art festival or sport championships. She wouldn’t let me having friends and always kept blocking my social life in an awkward manner with meaningless excuse. She judges me without knowing who is the person of what she’s accusing with, an actual example of judging-a-book-by-its-cover-person. She never know which school I’m entering, who’s my teacher, what major I’m taking in college especially the problem I’m facing and fighting by myself.

 

But I never kept any grudge; my heart cannot take another heart ache. God has given me with such a flexible heart but for this one, I’m nothing more but an ordinary human being. I’m numb plus I’m tired, so I choose to erase and rewind. Its hurt so bad and you didn’t even realize you are the caused all I want is to go to the time where there was no pain: juste avant toi. I’m much more mature and wise to brave enough to admit that deep inside I’m just a kid missing his parents love, a family that never come true on every Christmas wishing. I’m grieving for a very long time.

 

I guess it’s too late now to grab what we lost in the past and all I want now is making a new start with me. As God is my witness, this person in the mirror will become someone in the future with no regrets of his past. He will walk that road of New York in his flashy suits and glamorous boots made only by-request-ordering from maestro designers of the world. What I do know now, I could never forget who I am and the people who keep completing my puzzle along the way. The sweet, the bitter, the joy and the pain; it’s a part of me.

 

 

Sometimes people who are closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most.